The Unitarian Universalist Community Church of Santa Monica

"Our Whole Church "

Think about sexuality and religion these days and what comes to mind is mostly bad news. Popular evangelical ministers admitting to illicit affairs. Entire denominations tearing themselves apart over the acceptance of gay leaders. Roman Catholic dioceses declaring bankruptcy, crumbling from the pressure of lawsuits by victims of abusive priests.

Hypocrisy and scandal, discrimination and injustice, harassment and criminality are all part of this grim picture. It rightly troubles us because we expect religious community to be the one place where people - especially vulnerable people - can always feel safe. We expect a sanctuary to be a place of healing, not a cover for predators. Yet every faith community, including our own, has had its share of sexual trouble.

There is always something more to learn about becoming the safe and welcoming community we want to be. Knowing what makes a "sexually healthy faith community," to use Debra Haffner's words, is an important part of it. Sexual attitudes and interactions can strengthen or diminish the life we share with one another.

That is one reason why we offer "Our Whole Lives," our sexuality education curriculum, for every member of our congregation. We affirm that we are all sexual beings - and that our sexuality comes with us to church.Here is one place we can make the connection between our sexuality and our values.

Here we also affirm that sexuality is inherently good. It is one of the joys of being alive and part of our spiritual life. It deserves to be understood and treated with respect.

In addition to providing education about sexuality and advocacy for sexual justice, our community has a role to play in helping people find partners. What better place to meet someone than the spiritual home that shelters you and knows you? Here relationships of all kinds can develop over time, sharing common values and commitments. And because we are a church, we hold ourselves to a higher standard of mutual respect and sensitivity; people can expect acceptance and welcome.

If you are new to this church - or can remember when you were, you know how important it is to feel welcome and safe here. For many people, seeking out a church is a way of starting over after a significant loss or transition. To someone who is newly widowed or divorced, the social aspect is both inviting and scary at the same time. It's not easy for most of us to navigate a room full of strangers. If we are feeling awkward or lonely, it may be nearly impossible.

We have a responsibility to those who are vulnerable, who are very young or very old, who may have wounds we cannot see, to make our community a place where everyone is welcome. The single most important thing you can do here on Sunday morning is greet a stranger - not just during the service, but before and after as well. This gesture of warmth and acceptance says more about who we are as a religious community than any statement of our principles. Providing that welcome is why we are here.

I like that old Miwok creation story because it shows how one lonely creature, Silver Fox, and then another, Coyote, find each other, decide to travel together, and create the world with their singing and dancing. The story tells how creation - in this instance, Earth itself - came out of the loneliness of two creatures. All of it - from the rivers and valleys to the mountains and trees, as well as all the birds and the animal people, came out of the yearning to be with others.

Our community is also a response to loneliness. "From the fragmented world of our everyday lives we gather together in search of wholeness," wrote Phillip Hewett. "By many cares and preoccupations, by diverse and selfish aims, are we separated from one another and divided within ourselves."

We come together to overcome separation and division, to live in relationship to others. Here is where we remind ourselves, as Hewett writes, "that no branch is utterly severed from the Tree of Life that sustains us all." We remember that we are all connected - or want to be.

The yearning for wholeness takes different forms at different points in life. For some, it is to share a community as a family, to spend a few precious hours each week teaching and learning the values of our tradition with our children. Or to work with others in service to our larger community - to belong to a group that is trying to make a difference. Or to set aside time simply to give thanks - for the full lives and full hearts we already have. Or to make a friend because we are lonely.

Whatever we seek, our yearning is the desire for wholeness. But it takes practice - even training - to create the environment that nurtures it. Our congregation is working at this all the time. How do we create wholeness, through our interactions as well as our activities?

It goes back to paying attention to the foundation of community.

In an interesting little book, "Choosing Civility," author P.M. Forni writes about the elements of a welcoming and safe society.* "Considerate conduct," his term for good manners, is the self-discipline it takes to create a gentler world. We can learn how to love - or do anything else we seek to do - if we put ourselves in a place that will teach us the skills.

Our church is a place that can teach us. "We know how to love," Forni writes, "when we have developed a sensitivity to the needs and feelings of others. The problem is not that humans are by nature incapable of knowing how to love, but that the circumstances of their lives often prevent them from learning."

We come here to learn how to overcome the circumstances in our lives that keep us from being whole. Every one of us has been lonely. Every one of us has wounds that can heal in a safe and welcoming community. Every one of us has felt alienated or cynical or cut off from the joys of living and of serving others. Here we learn how to connect what has been cut off, renew what has been worn out.

In the Adult OWL "Our Whole Lives" program, participants learn that trust and communication are foundational to a healthy sexual relationship. Contrary to the images so pervasive in our media, suggesting that sexuality belongs only to the young and the beautiful, OWL teaches that sexuality is a gift of life, and it can be expressed in a relationship between those who trust and respect one another. We practice that trust and respect in community together.

As a church we have a responsibility to teach healthy sexuality. We all know what can happen when a religious community fails to take responsibility soon enough. The "sexually healthy faith community" cares about all the ways in which we are connected. It teaches us that we can find wholeness in ourselves, with others, and in all of life, by paying attention to how we are together here, and living what we learn wherever we may go.

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*P.M. Forni, "Choosing Civility: Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct" (New York: St. Martin's Griffin, 2002). Thank you to Karen Payne for recommending this book to me.